The Dark Knight Rises Review: Spoiler Edition

If you're reading this chances are you came from my review at the The TV Czar Says... I wanted to discuss some specific plot points, but I didn't want to spoil things for people that haven't seen one of the most anticipated movies ever. So, if you haven't seen TDKR but want to, stop reading now.

First of all, how awesome was the Man of Steel teaser? I realize that it revealed nothing, but finally seeing some footage made me very happy, especially since I was hoping so badly for something. I really hope Zack Snyder knows what's he doing. I really hope he can make a Superman movie good again.

Alright, onto Batman. No use in beating around the bush - I think we can safely assume there will never be a fourth installment of the franchise, just like Nolan has said all along. When it looked like Batman was dead, my thoughts were, "There's no way Nolan killed Batman. He can't be that ballsy, can he?" I guess you could say that Nolan copped out by letting Wayne escape with Selina Kyle and revealing that John Blake's real name is Robin, and I probably wouldn't argue if you did. Still, it shows that Bruce Wayne is finally ready to move on from his parents' and Rachel's murders, something the comic book version will never be able to do. He's finally ready to live.

I do think the romance between him and Kyle was bit rushed and contrived, but I did like their chemistry on screen. Still, there's absolutely no need to kiss when a nuclear weapon is seconds from exploding. That was a bit much for me. Comic book Batman wouldn't have let that happen. Then again, comic book Batman doesn't display the range of emotions that Nolan's Batman does.

How about Bane's evil plot? Talk about detailed and well-executed. Sure, it's totally impossible, but so is Batman. It's a movie, get over it.

Catwoman (supposedly) killing Bane just in time to save Batman was more than a bit convenient, but it almost had to happen. Bane couldn't be allowed to live, but Batman can't cross that line.

That reminds me, was there ever mention of what happened to Joker? The last we saw of him, he was dangling upside down by one of Batman's cables. Obviously, he wasn't going to get a cameo, but I'm a little surprised there wasn't even a mention of what happened to him just to close out his story. He couldn't have been in Gotham. Joker wouldn't be the type to lay low while the city was under Bane's control.

The Talia twist totally surprised me, which makes me very angry. I should have caught it when Bruce had his vision of Ra's al Ghul. Unfortunately, Cotillard tricked me with her charm just like she did Bruce.

What is Commissioner Gordon doing going down into sewers? It's admirable that he wants to lead his troops into battle, so to speak, but going down into the sewer seems a bit below the pay grade.

I could keep going, but it's 5:15 in the morning. I need some sleep. Maybe I'll add to this tomorrow later today. As I said over at The TV Czar Says... I really liked this movie. Tell me what you thought in the comments below.

Matt

Sure, Batman is totally realistic.

He's just a regular dude like me.

Invariably, whenever someone says that Batman is his/her favorite superhero, they give some version of the above statement as the main reason. These are usually the same people that say that picking Superman as your favorite is a cop-out because he's all-powerful and has virtually no chance of being defeated. Furthermore, these haters will claim he didn't earn his powers but simply obtained them by coming to our planet.

No, Batman is not an alien that derives his power from our solar system's yellow sun (Superman). He wasn't given a seemingly all-powerful tool limited only by the user's will and imagination, either (Green Lantern). He was also never in a freak accident that left him with superpowers (Flash, Hulk), and he's not the product of a genetic mutation (X-Men).

 He's just a regular dude just like the rest of us, which means any of us, with enough resources and extreme dedication, could be just like him.

Yeah, he's perfectly normal.

Are you kidding me?


The only thing that makes Batman human is his human DNA. Don't get me wrong, I think Batman is beyond cool (even cooler than Billy Dee), but he's no more relatable, nor his status obtainable, to the average human than Superman.

I won't say that no one could ever be like Batman, but the chances are smaller than minute. In fact, E. Paul Zehr's book, Becoming Batman, discusses the very idea of becoming the Caped Crusader. I haven't read the book, but I did read an interview Zehr did in which he talked about becoming Batman. I recommend reading the article, but I'll summarize the main points below.

• A Batman illustrator named Neal Adams said that Batman would medal in every event in the Olympics. Zehr logically says that no real person can be "Olympic medal good" at everything, but if he/she wanted to be Batman he/she would have to be exceptionally good in a lot of different areas.
• The most plausible thing about Batman, according to Zehr is that someone could be trained to be an exceptional athlete, a master of martial-arts, and an expert in gadgetry.
• Unfortunately, by Zehr's estimation, that training would probably take 15-18 years, due to the expertise required to be Batman (he can't afford to lose, and he has to know how to incapacitate someone without killing them)
• A well-trained person can probably only fight 3-5 people at a time, not 8-10 like Batman does.
• A person has to sleep. You can't be Bruce Wayne and Batman and expect to stay healthy for any serious amount of time.
• You also couldn't fight every night. A real human body can't recuperate in mere hours from harsh fighting night after night.
• If you managed to become Batman, you'd probably only have about 3 years to remain Batman. Again, all that fighting would take its toll.

Based on Zehr's assertions, and assuming that humans peak physically between ages 25 and 35, a person would probably need to start training between ages 10 and 15 to have any hope of reaching the skill level required to be Batman and then have enough time to actually be him.

Now remember, Batman can't lose. If he does he probably dies, or at the very least a lot of other people do. Also, he never kills. That means the required training isn't some "2 hours a day, 3 days a week" program. It's an "8 hours a day, 5 to 7 days a week highly-specialized" program. In other words, someone trying to become Batman would have make that pursuit the sole focus of their life. Last time I checked, training to be a superhero doesn't pay the bills.

That brings us to another issue. Bruce Wayne (Batman's true identity) is a billionaire. Forbes estimates him to be worth over $6 billion, in fact. He can afford to be Batman. You can't.

Going back to Zehr, he stated at the end of the interview that the best way to estimate the number of people who could possibly become Batman would be to multiply the percentage of billionaires in the world by the percentage of people that become Olympic decathletes. In March 2011, there were 1210 billionaires in the world. In the 2008 Olympics, 40 men competed in the decathlon. Based on a population of 6 billion, for simplicity's sake, that's .00000020167% and .0000000067%, respectively (the true percentages would actually be a lot smaller, since the world's population is closer to 7 billion). If you multiply those numbers together, you get a .000000000000001351189% chance of someone actually having the means and ability to become Batman. That's way less than 1 out of 6 billion.

In other words, becoming Batman is all but impossible. While he may not have superpowers per se, he's been given all that he needs (beyond amazing athletic ability, staunch determination and focus, and endless resources) and more to succeed, just like Superman. Sure, he had to train to become what he is, but the fact that he became and maintains what he is proves my point.

Am I saying Batman is lame? Of course, not. Batman is the polar opposite of lame. I'm simply saying that Batman's existence is no more reasonable than Superman's, and that one shouldn't praise Batman's realism while hating on Superman's lack thereof.

Thanks for reading.